Me: Well, well, my cute little fuzzy children, it is almost time for Christmas, and Esperando and I are going to abandon you again to go back to the U.S. for the holidays. Is there anything I should tell Santa Claus about what you might like before we leave?
Frida: I would jus’ like a Chreesmas tree of my own. I like dragging ze liddle bright lights acrost ze rhoom, and hiding under it to play wid ze branches, maybe chew a few off. Also maybe Santa could brang me a small flightless birdie or a liddle blind mouse, or maybe un grasshopper grandisimo —I tink a large cucaracha would do in a pinch. I know my waistline is muy grandismo now, but jus’ a liddle animal-jus’ to play with—why, we could be friends.
Winnie, alias Sour Pickle: I say, as a proper British Shorthair Cat, I need a new proper cat perch. Frida has pretty much mutilated mine rather into shreds. Whilst I certainly wish she would stay off of it permanently, she still doesn’t seem to know her place in this household (although I boff her regularly). Also I need a year’s supply of Whiskas Temptations in every flavour for my collection. And dates, I have discovered I really like dates, maybe you, er St. Nicholas, could bring me more dates.
Dash the Dog: All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth! Ha ha! No, seriously could you take me with you, puhleeze! I will be so sad when you are gone, I barely know you anymore since you are never here. I miss my walks with Pop, and I can’t lie down by your feet if you aren’t around.
Winnie: That’s right Dash just suck it up.
Me: You know its going to be hard for Santa to come down the chimney here, since we don’t have a fireplace, although I think he finds other ways to get in, like the front door for instance. Winnie you have to promise not to run outside and get lost if he accidentally leaves the front door open.
Dash: Don’t you worry, Mom, I will keep Mr. Winston Churchill from getting out—or maybe chase him a lot and bark at him so he gets confused and runs out into the street in front of oncoming traffic. Ha, ha!!
Me: I will really miss all of you, it won’t seem like Christmas without you guys.
Winnie: Harumph, balderdash!
Frida: Yes, how vill I keep varm at night vhen you aren’t aroun to sleep on, and nobody else wans to pet me. I might even forget how to purr.
Dash: Gad, I’m going to be by myself at night with only the cats for company! How gross. That is so unfair!!
Winnie: Now Dash, you know that you like me. Maybe not Frida because she’s a stupid fat gel, but the two of us get on fabulously. Who else would put up with you poking your stupid toy in their face and act as though it were a proper honor?
Me: When I come back in the New Year, I will never leave you guys again.
Frida and Dash (rolling their eyes): What a liar! Look how long her nose is.
Winnie: What red devil of mendacity
Grips your soul with such tenacity?
Will one you cruelly shower with lies
Put a pistol ball between your eyes?